How to prevent tantrums from happening without yelling
Being a parent has been quite a ride this past year.
In my recent blog post, I talked about the importance of giving yourself a pat on your back, treating yourself often and holding onto that one thing that keeps you sane.
To escape from a myriad of responsibilities, I like to hide in my closet and read parenting memes. I’m always so fascinated by how these writers, celebrities to anonymous persons, can capture the reality of parenthood just in one sentence. These are all so funny because they are true, right?
As I was scrolling through and chuckling in my closet, I came across one that caught my attention:
Parenting is yelling ‘You just had a snack!’ over and over
until you give in and throw them another snack
It’s funny, and I’m sure it’s true for many parents.
When you’re in the middle of this fracas, your child is throwing a tantrum, screaming, kicking and talking back, however, it’s not funny at all. It can trigger a load of unpleasant emotions, frustration and anger to name a few.
A great news is, there are a few points to keep in mind that will set you and your child up for success and prevent the tantrum, screaming, kicking, etc. from happening.
1. Set Clear Rules & Expectations:
Before your start your day or about to leave for a walk to the park, set simple yet clear rules and go over them with your kids.
If you are leaving to a park, the rules can be something like,
‘We will go to the part, we’ll stay there for an hour, when mommy says it’s time to leave, we’re leaving the park, ok?’
In this unique environment, you can add a few more rules and say,
‘We are keeping the mask on the whole time, we will keep distance from other friends, and if the play area gets too crowded, we might have to leave early’.
What’s important here is that you set the rules BEFORE the activity.
Just like it is for us, it’s helpful for kids to know what to expect.
When it comes to giving them snacks, set aside the amount of snacks they can have in a day. Explain the rules to your kids so that they know where to get the snacks and visually understand how much is available, which helps them learn to be independent.
2. Give them a heads up:
When the time to leave the park is approaching, let them know 10 minutes before by briefing, ’10 more minutes and it’s time to go home!’.
You can then remind them 5-, 3-, and 1-minute before in the same manner.
This way when they hear ‘Ok, it’s time to go!’, they are more prepared.
When they were caught by surprise with an abrupt announcement, it’s more likely that they will resist and say, ‘No, I don’t want to leave yet!’.
As for snacks, when they are about to start tackling the snack box, make it clear to your kids that this is all they are getting today, and that they can plan when and how much to eat them.
3. Grandma’s Rule:
Grandma’s rule simply means,
“Eat your vegetables before you get your cookies”.
This goes hand in hand with setting up clear rules and expectations. It is exceedingly easier for your kids to get any less-preferred task done if they complete those first. They can then enjoy more fun activities after.
Some examples include:
Get their homework done before leaving to the park
Finish the glass of water before they can reach their snack box
Change into pj’s and brush their teeth before you read them a bedtime story
4. Pick Your Battle:
In another word, know your limits.
Set rules and expectations that you can actually follow through yourself.
Following through means when you direct your child to do something (e.g., pick up your toy), you see it through until the child completes the task, with your prompt if necessary.
What does it then mean to pick your battle and know your limits?
That means if you are too tired or too busy and doesn’t feel like you can follow through, it’s ok, go easy on yourself.
So before you give any instruction to your child, stop and think if you can follow through. If not, change the instruction that is easier for you to carry out.
It’s better to know your limits and pick your direction carefully than giving empty instruction with no following through.
I hope you found these simple steps helpful in setting you and your kids up for success, and avoiding all the screaming, kicking and talking back.
If you’re interested in learning more or want to schedule a time to talk about your specific concerns feel free to contact me for a free phone consultation.
Chisato Komatsu, PhD, BCBA-D, is a licensed psychologist and Board Certified Behavior Analyst at the doctoral level with over 18 years of experience studying and working in the field of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). I utilize evidence-based interventions, which help individuals and parents learn how to take action in their lives to achieve ideal outcomes in a safe, confidential and empathic environment. I work in Culver City and greater Los Angeles area. I am available for telehealth sessions for families throughout CA. Contact me at chisato@littlepineconsult.com or (323) 285-2221 to schedule a free consultation.
