Art of Waiting
For almost a year now, you’ve been your child’s teacher, nurse, lunch lady, play date, personal assistant, etc., and this is above all other things you already were pre-pandemic.
There used to be a part of a day where we were at work, and another part where we were with family. At work, we could focus on our jobs and being productive. When we got home, we saw our kids we didn’t get to see all day and focus on the family as best we could.
Now, what used to be two separate segments of the day are all muddled together.
While you are with your children at home, juggling hundreds of tasks and holding down a job, the only person your child can turn to get their needs met is, still you. This is not easy.
As much as you want to be a delightful parent who satisfies your kid's’ needs within seconds, something’s gotta give. We simply cannot tailor to their every need all the time.
As a result, you may often be telling your kids to wait.
They might wait for a few seconds but repeat the request again. You then repeat yourself and ask them to wait. They wait for a few more seconds and repeat the request and so on. Eventually, both you and your child get frustrated, now you are yelling while your child is throwing a tantrum. In the end, your child did not get what he/she originally requested and you feel guilty and defeated.
If this scenario sounds familiar, you are not alone.
There are some steps you can take to make waiting easier and help you follow through with the request.
Be specific about what you are doing
Instead of simply telling your kids to wait, describe what you’re doing and when you’ll be able to attend to their needs. For example, ‘I am switching out laundry now, and I will come see you after’, ‘I’m about to be on a zoom call, I’ll let you know when the meeting is over at 11:30’.
Provide a specific time frame
When asking to wait, let them know for how long they need to wait. Is it 10 seconds? 3 minutes? An hour? Set a specific time so they know what to expect.
Use visual aides
For kids who can read a clock, use the clock to show them when you’ll be available. For little ones who are not yet able to read a clock, use a stopwatch and set the timer. You can also use cards with different colors representing time duration (e.g., red: 3 minutes, orange: 1-3 minutes, yellow: .5 – 1 minute, & green: less than 30 seconds, etc.).
Putting a sign on your door, green on one side meaning ‘OK to come in’, and red on the other side meaning ‘Busy’ can also be helpful.
Work up the waiting time
For kids who can only wait for 15 seconds, it’s simply not realistic asking them to wait for 10 minutes. Try timing how long they can wait, it’s called a ‘baseline’. If your child repeats his/her request in 5 seconds, start teaching him to wait for 6 seconds. Once he/she can successfully wait for 6 seconds, then teach him/her to wait for 10 seconds, 15 seconds, 30 seconds, 1 minute and so on.
Each time they are able to wait successfully, reward them with what they’ve been waiting for (e.g., attention from you, snack, help with school work, etc.).
Include them in activity
Include them in what you’ve been engaged in. Now they are involved, busy, and no longer waiting for you. For example, if you are cooking dinner when your kids ask for you, invite them into the kitchen and ask them to help.
Model good waiting
While waiting in line at a store or waiting to speak to your partner, model good behavior by waiting patiently without interrupting.
Wait to interrupt
Teach them not to interrupt while others are talking. Decide on a sign that you all agreed upon to indicate that they have something to say. This can be raising a hand, touching your nose, presenting a “I would like to speak’ card.
Teach them to play independently
Children learning to play on their own can be beneficial in many ways especially when you’re not available for long periods of time. Preparing items and activities beforehand would be convenient so that they can stay engaged for an extended duration.
Follow through with your promises
Once your child is able to wait successfully for the duration you prescribed, follow through with your promise at that moment, otherwise your words becomes empty. It is just as important to demonstrate integrity as it is to model good waiting behaviors.
I hope you found these tips helpful in maneuvering your day rather than repeating “Wait!”.
If you’re interested in learning more or want to schedule a time to talk about your specific concerns feel free to contact me for a free phone consultation.
Register Here for the upcoming Free Webinar: How to Stop Your Child from Tantruming and You from Yelling and Feeling Defeated on Thursday, February 18th at 11am & 7pm PST or Saturday, February 20th at 11am!
Chisato Komatsu, PhD, BCBA-D, is a licensed psychologist and Board Certified Behavior Analyst at the doctoral level with over 18 years of experience studying and working in the field of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). I utilize evidence-based interventions, which help individuals and parents learn how to take action in their lives to achieve ideal outcomes in a safe, confidential and empathic environment. I work in Culver City and greater Los Angeles area. I am available for telehealth sessions for families throughout CA. Contact me at chisato@littlepineconsult.com or (323) 285-2221 to schedule a free consultation.
Please note that many states are waiving state licensure requirements during COVID-19. This means that you might be able to work with a licensed psychologist who lives in another state. If you have questions, please reach out.
This blog is not intended as therapeutic or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional.
